Okay, I'm going to try and do something different with this post, and cut in lyrics that I feel reflect how I'm doing. (Afghan Whigs, Crime scene part 1) I'm also going to swear at times. Fair warning.

I am pretty much doomed to live out my life in a cycle of moods and massive overreactions to everyday reactions. I know I told everyone I had a training injury, and this is partly true, but its also true that I have been using it as an excuse to just stay away from people.

"Tonight, tonight I say goodbye
To everyone who loves me
Stick it to my enemies,
tonight Then I disappear"

I have felt that I needed this time in seclusion. You see, if there is one thing guaranteed to swing my mood up or down, its other people. I wish this was different, I really do, because as much as other people have a massive ability to throw my life out of whack, I also love people and being around them.

"Bathe my path in shining light
Set the dials to thrill me
Every secret has its price
This one's set to kill
Too loose, too tight, too dark, too bright
A lie, the truth, which one should I use?
If the lie succeeds
Then you'll know what I mean
When I tell you I have secrets To attend"

So I've been in regular touch with only four people. Alison, my friends in Glasgow Tam and Colin, and Scott from Dundee. This is no reflection on anyone else, its just that sooner or later someone that knows nothing about my life will decide I need a fucking pep talk about what I should be doing with my life, and I'll be sitting half listening, uncomfortable because I'm not going to tell them what my life is actually like.

And its not like I've been doing nothing - I continue to work on my art, and I'm in talks with two friends about doing a collaboration. We each have very different styles, so it could be a unique opportunity.

"Do you think I'm beautiful? Or do you think I'm evil?
Will you take me for a ride? The one that never ends
Too loose, too tight, too dark, too bright
A lie, the truth, which one shall I use?
If the lie succeeds Then you'll know what I mean
When I tell you I have secrets To attend"

I meditate, I juggle, I practice tai chi and I lift weights. I feel that having a balanced body may help me keep a balanced mind. I take my medicine. I have some people to help me through when I need it. I read a lot, and watch the movies that inspire me.
I've made music with my computer also, although I havent practiced my guitar in a while. I need to get back to work on my novel.

I have also a secret project that I'm working on, which will involve two and three d work, photography and computer graphics. It will probably generate a lot of interest on Deviant Art, because with this project I'm deliberately basing it on a fandom that has a massive following. I will make a new deviant art page for this, but with links back to my more original artwork.

A few weeks I gave some of my friends an unofficial tour of the Scottish and French painting galleries, and my favourite sculptures in Kelvingrove. I was kept on my toes by having to stay one step ahead of a proper tour coming along behind me. And to be fair, as much as I know about painting I know more about the history of Impressionist, Post Impressionist, Cubist and Fauvist paintings than I do about Scottish paintings, but obviously I could comment on layout, form and colour with those, where I could actually talk about the lives of the artists in the French Gallery.

"Tonight, tonight I say goodbye
To everything that thrills me
As I throw the chains I forged in life
To shatter on the floor"

Anyway, I have been gradually coming out of seclusion. I have been meeting with a group of people that have similar issues with moods, and even socialising more, but with the understanding that this is dangerous to me. I have been planning a return to my Tai chi chuan class, and hoping that they will see the progress I have made in my own private training.

Anyhow, Alison has seen my moods gradually de-stabilise again. I have been coming back into the world of other people gradually, and just as gradually my control has began to erode. I'm not dangerous, by the way, its just that my mood goes up or down and I lose common sense and judgement.

I spent six months more or less by myself to preserve, and improve, my control. I knew I was sacrificing happiness to an extent, and I was so, so,sad at losing Little Morrigan. That was back in September, and I still get upset. It was like losing a little part of myself, and yet the love persists. And in my head when I think about the little guy, I try to smile and say "I love you." Thats sad right? But I still sometimes talk to Derek in my head too, or hear my mothers opinions. So when I say I love you a little bit of them is still with me, you know? I love you, I love you, I love you.

"As I dream all the evidence
Is piling up against me
As I breathe all the essence rare
Is falling off the vine
And if you knew,
just how smooth
I could stop it on the dime
You could meet me at the Scene of the crime"

And the worst part is, I honestly feel I have so much to give the world. I try to help people in need, I rescue animals, (rescuing miss Pigeon was the first time I had felt happy and useful since Morrigan died.) I try to help people at the group if it seems they are in need. Having seen the wreckage that suicide leaves behind, when someone is really struggling I try to reassure. I am on the look out in a way that most people wont understand, I've seen the signs first hand, and I look for them in everyone I meet. It gives me such a sense of relief when I find those signs absent.

Any how, this week was an explosion of hyper activity - there was the group on Monday night, and I found myself trying to reassure a mother who has a daughter with a yet undiagnosed mental illness, followed by a night out (Some of you probably read the drunk post before I removed it).

For one of the first times in my life, my intelligence is useful. (and some of you who new may way back would be staggered by how much it grew in my twenties, despite the stoner years.)

I have been confident enough to start asking people to look at my art again, thinking about where it is going in future.

For the first time in my life I am managing my intuitive side through zen, and marry my intuition to a sense of logic. My years of observing people as an artist give me a window into their minds, sometimes I can give insights or answers people are struggling to find.

Some of these people think I'm smart, some think I'm funny or cool. I feel like I have pulled a con, because I know that I walk I fine line, and if I lose my way my life will be chaos again. And then things wont be cool.

Anyhow, I guess I had been feeling a certain mental pressure building all week, so I went out with some friends to blow off some steam. I was out all day until twelve at night. I spent too much money, btw, and although I dont feel I made any too stupid mistakes I was drunk enough that I easily could have, you know?

And I'm thinking that when I was keeping to myself I was also staying in control, not doing anything stupid, just working to improve myself and keeping a careful eye on everything.

This isnt to say I'm going back into seclusion, I'm just considering it at the moment.

"As I dream, all the evidence is piling up against me, as I breathe all the essence rare
is falling off the vine, and if you knew, just how smooth I could stop it on the dime, you could meet me at the Scene of the crime."

This is Douglas Millar, signing off.

And if you knew, just how smooth
I could stop it on a dime
You could meet me at the scene of the crime.

(Thank you Greg Dulli and all the Afghan whigs. Its like you reflected my mind in your work.)